better "L"ate than never

I know it seems pointless to post my thoughts on a TV show so many days after it aired, but pointless things - especially pointless things involving lesbians - are my bag!

Here are my thoughts on some of the matter (Give me a break. I've got a ton of homework):

1. I thought the military showing up at Alice's apartment to scope for lesbian paraphernalia and somehow identifying "The Chart" as contraband was a dream sequence because it was so totally ridiculous. And then I remembered this episode was written by Elizabeth "Betty" Ziff.

2. Self-defense class with all the ladies barking "no!" and punching the closest person next to them was interesting. Kind of how I feel when I watch this show.

3. She-Bar and the faux lesbian duo who run "the hottest scene in town" was hilarious especially when Catherine Keener's sister (the dark-haired one and yes, she really is Catherine Keener's sister) invited Shane in for a little threesome somethin' somethin' with her straight-outta-hetero porn girlfriend. P.S. I think the set used for She-Bar is the same as the one used for Starlight (when Bette hit the NYC bar scene a couple of seasons ago) and Shane and Carmen's botched wedding. Just a theory.

4. After too many scenes with Marlee/Jodi signing her way into bed with Bette, I was all for the Bette and Tina make-out scene. Bring back Carmen and the original theme song and we're golden.

5. Jenny having a heart-to-heart with the closeted actress set to play her in "Lez Girls" at She-Bar was mind-boiling. Thankfully, the monotony was broken by Max and Marlee/Jodi's male interpreter getting their dance-on. Of course, I kept wondering what Jodi was doing while all this was happening. Hopefully he was off the clock.

Discuss.

if this is the way that we live, somebody shoot me

What's that you say? The L Word blew again? Imagine that. Here's the thing, this damn show reminds me of the time I was working twelve hour days on a shoot in a one-stoplight town in Nebraska and the locals told me if I did nothing else I had to go have myself a bagel at the corner diner that also specialized in those Jello mold salads made with Miracle Whip and canned fruit. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. When you're a lesbian or bisexual (or a "people lover" as the case may be) and the only representation you can find of yourself that doesn't include Tila Tequila or T.A.t.U is on a late-night cable show where good writing comes to die, you might as well be a Nebraskan at brunch.

Here are a few of The L Word's Sunday Specials (menu style):

Note: If for some reason you've Tivo'ed this train wreck, don't read any further.

* Shane decides to be celibate which apparently requires going to the gym and ogling women while pumping iron and talking incessantly about how no sex makes you smarte (I think this was an episode of Seinfeld)

* Bette gets away to the countryside with Marlee and her crew of artist friends who we are able to identify as artists because of their abundance of facial hair, flannel shirts, and angry proclamations about selling-out made while looking agitated and dirty. Mayhem ensues when Bette refuses the opportunity to play touch football with a bunch of deaf people.

*How much longer do we have to call Alice bisexual when she's never had sex with any man except the dude who called himself Lisa?

*Judging by her chin, Tina was a marionette in a former life.

*Kit, the character you have to love because of her close resemblance to your 90-year old aunt who likes to talk to herself and wear funny wigs, gets robbed. Will she hit the sauce? One can only hopezzzzzzzzzz.

* Helena's mom springs her from the clink, except Helena has other plans involving the poker money she hid and her prison lover who, though built like a linebacker, is serving time for tax fraud. Meow.

So that's about it. The pain of this episode was dulled by a very delicious dinner and many, many glasses of wine.

Til next Sunday: May your days be free of Betty

fasten your water skis, it's going to be a bumpy season

Once in a lifetime a TV show comes around that is so masterfully crappy it holds the rare distinction of jumping not one but an entire school of sharks. The L Word Season 5 is no Arthur Fonzerelli in a leather jacket and a fly pair of speedos on water skis hurdling a single dorsal fin. No, this show went airborne over the aquarium the second Shane started scoring entire bridal parties, including the mother of the bride whose swollen ankles were highlighted by a bad pair of thigh highs and silver Naturalizer stilettos. Whatever happened to sexy? Banging a bridesmaid who looks and acts not unlike Molly Shannon as Mary Katherine Gallagher with wickedly saggy breasts doesn't make me, you know, feel like dancing. Put bluntly, as a lifelong lover of porn, it takes a lot for me to consider joining a nunnery. Tonight's show may be the original Anti-Turn-On. Even Helena's boot-knockin' in the clink with the delicious Dusty (the boxer Lucia Rijker) got nasty when Helena's super skinny body was revealed. Hopefully she'll start eating the prison chow soon because watching a rib cage have sex is not my idea of a good time. And I'm not even going to (gag) get into (gag) the shower scene with Jackie - the naked bully with a knife and an AARP card - accosting Helena after she "dropped the soap." Just our luck, the only poon in the show expired back in the 80s.

And then there's the Jenny is a Jerk storyline which - with the arrival of her new bespectacled and adoring assistant Adelle - is clearly going the way of All About Eve. This could be fun if any of the actors were Bette Davis or if the scripts were being crafted by the old Hollywood writers who originated high camp. Instead we're treated to verbal gems like those shared by the unsinkable Kit Porter (at her best tonight explaining prison lingo to Helena) and the stylings of Marlee Matlin whose deafness was only overshadowed by her hair crimping.

In sum, tonight's episode made me want to tear my hair out and eat everything in sight just to dull the pain of realization that bad writers do get hit shows. I'm just not one of them. But, like a good rubber necker holding up traffic while I take cellphone pictures of the human wreckage, I'll be back next week because I just can't look away.

P.S. The witty caption for the photo above was supposed to be "Jenny Schecter and her stalker in repose" but I couldn't figure out how to add a caption. Enjoy.

middle america decries missing 4 oz. of sausage; huckabee son prime suspect

The last time I had Jimmy Dean sausage I was about two years old and according to family lore, my mother and I got a wicked case of food poisoning from it. Since my father is a master of getting things for free - including, apparently, food that can kill you - he contacted Jimmy Dean and told them the sad tale of his wife and child who became pooping machines as a result of their dangerous patties. According to Dad, Jimmy Dean's response to our sob story was to send over a "truck full" of Jimmy Dean sausage patties. Keep in mind that my family's tendency to exaggerate often borders on the delusional, so if this sounds a little too much like Miracle on 34th Street except with pork products instead of letters from Santa, you've probably got a pretty good idea where Pops Warner got the story arc for this one. The story never includes what we did with all that sausage, though I'm inclined to believe that the real, non-"Warnerized" version story involves less a truckload of sausage and more a coupon for one value pack of links (though the family waistline could definitely be the result of years worth of a secret stash of Jimmy Dean).
Check out this message left on the Jimmy Dean hotline voicemail by a customer distraught - nay, disgusted - at the downsizing of the 16oz package. Apparently he's got a whole lot of heavyset gentlemen living with him who aren't going to be satisfied by this slimmed down sausage tube (his words, not mine). Personally I think this message was left by Mike Huckabee whose entire family looks like they ate the Iowa Caucus. His new slogan should be: "Huckabee: 16oz of Real Meat."

no one will ever know

My main NY1 news man has been letting me down as of late with his "I'm a skinny, serious reporter dude" persona so I've abandoned writing his blog and will pretty much do anything but watch the screen when I hear his voice. Then yesterday's report came on and I found myself glued to the screen. Not because Rog was back to his old antics. Sadly, Clark believes that dropping a few lbs. and sporting a new pair of glasses means losing any sense of humor you once had. No, the actual content of the report was so hilarious that I'm bringing it to you now, here, and because NY1's video archive blows, you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Apparently two old guys tried to pull a Weekend at Bernie's when their friend, Virgilio Cintron, kicked the bucket the other day. They got the brilliant idea to toss Virgilio in a chair and wheel him to the local Pay-O-Matic where they planned on cashing his $355 Social Security check. Bystanders took note of the fact that Virgilio was flopping around in the chair like, I don't know, someone DEAD and called the cops who arrested the collective brain trust who now face forgery and larceny charges. If these gentlemen had actually taken the time to watch the Bernie flicks they would have known that a good pair of sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt are the best way to convince people that even the deadest guy still knows how to get his party-on. Of course, maybe that's why they wanted the money: $355 will buy you a lot of vacation gear.

january just got a little L wordier

The L Word is back. By now, you probably noticed that no fantastic cosmic events accompanied this, though I'm pretty sure I heard some dogs howling when the Betty theme song kicked in. For the first time since my third cold in as many months kicked in (this is what I get for snuggling up to strangers on the A train), I was ecstatic to have been rendered virtually deaf by my clogged sinuses. And speaking of deaf, Marlee Matlin's back and this time she's into S&M. I'm not going to reitierate the politically incorrect tirade I spewed last night, but suffice it to say a deaf woman in a peasant blouse tying up a way-too-skinny Jennifer Beals who was sporting side-boob as a result of an ill-fitting bra does absolutely nothing for me. And you?

There were a lot of cringe-worthy moments on last night's show. Here are my highlights:

1. Jane Lynch and Cybill Shepard basking in the afterglow
2. Max giving a behind-the-camera exposition on transgenderism and his reasons for not having "top surgery" to a baffled looking Cybill Shepard (naughtily titled "The Chancellor") and the imperious pixie Alice.
3. Jenny being a Hollywood writer asshole-type
4. Shane going down on a real estate agent in a thong when she's supposed to be getting all domestic with that Amazon she was dating from last season (Kristanna Loken who hasn't gotten any shorter or any more sexy since last April)
5. Kitt sporting a short Bettie Page expounding on whatever it is that she expounds on when she's not boozing it up or "dating" the totally homo manny.
6. Did I mention Marlee Matlin and Jennifer Beals getting sexy with a blindfold? Yeah, I did.

All in all, it was nice to see that Ilene put down her coke spoon long enough to pay attention to what fans of The L Word have been saying since those rosy days of the first season (when the theme song was catchy and the writing didn't drive viewers to drink...heavily): keep it light, keep it sexy, and for god's sake don't have Shane dating anyone exclusively.

My personal fave moment of the entire episode? Helena tossed in a jail cell with the hotness that is Lucia Rijker, female boxer and every lesbian worth their tool belt's wet dream. I don't need to tell you twice that I'm looking forward to a little prison sex. D-AMN.

God Bless U.S. America

Another all time great video. Miss Teen South Carolina and R.Kelly should totally hook it up. Maybe she's already writing his lyrics for him because this is the ultimate "real talk."