The L Word is making me fat. The only way I can get through an episode is with a pint of Ben & Jerry's in each hand. A little known fact: ice cream doesn't have any calories when it's ingested for the sake of self-presevation. And don't ask me why I continue to watch even though I hate myself later and bitch about it here. I'm an addict so sue me and last I checked there wasn't a Bad TV Anonymous though the updated Serenity Prayer would be brilliant:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the TV shows I cannot change
The courage to ignore bad dialogue with a smile
And the wisdom to know when to change the channel
Tonight's episode started as all of them do with "that song" plus the opportunity to steel yourself for what lies ahead when the writer's credit appears. Because Elizabeth Ziff of Betty (aka the worst band on the planet) sold her soul to the devil, she's now a regular writer meaning her lack of talent gets to funk up the entire show, not just the theme song. Here's how you know when a person writing the lines lost his or her virginity in the 70s: the word "lover" is used with abandon.
And now for some of my favorite moments:
Dawn Denbo (Elizabeth Keener) says to anyone who will listen at any given time in any given place including a wrestling ring with oil that looks suspiciously like popcorn butter - "This is my lover, Cindy." If your drinking game featured this line then you're way too drunk to be reading this right now.
The L Word production office got wind of the demographics for the show and realized that underage hetero men were tuning in because mom and dad had blocked Cinemax. This is the only explanation I can come up with for the unbelievable quantity of Jenny and Maxim Girl sex scenes (see above: wrestling ring, oil).
Since when did Alice - the lone and most absurd "bisexual" on the show - become the spokesperson for all things gay? I also love that, though she's perfectly willing to ass up her girlfriend's military career by being "out and proud" she's also willing to be a gossip sell-out on a View-style talk show highlighting ignorance all while sporting a new 1950s housewife style to go with her new Yoplait-slim physique. She's confused AND hateful!
Ziff must have had a little pillow talk with Ilene and decided - after smoking one too many bowls - that what The L Word was truly lacking was a sex scene between Shane and someone from The Last Picture Show. Alas, Cybill was too busy being a university Chancellor who hosts lesbian swimming pool parties so they called up her real-life daughter and offered her the job. This might also be where the idea to put Jenny in Bogdanovich style glasses came from.
Ziff needs to learn that adding a long, music-filled interlude when you can't come up with anything else to write isn't quite the same thing in a television show as it is in, say, a power ballad. Crap music and sex scenes written for teenage boys does not make for quality TV. My Ben & Jerry-o-Meter shot to like 11.
Someone needs to remind Kit that she's no longer hitting the sauce. This means walking and talking like you've been on a binge since last Tuesday isn't required. Not every sentence needs to be punctuated with a finger wave, a knee bend, and "GIRRRLLLL!!!"
And now for the most inexcusable moment of the night? Killing my Top Gun wet dream and making Kelly McGillis look like Suze Orman in uniform. This must have been what it was like for anyone who ever lusted after Liz Taylor and then saw her onstage at the Oscars a few years ago wearing bedroom slippers and warbling out the word "Gladiator!!" off-cue.
My youth - like this container of Phish Food - is clearly over.
