skanks 'r' us: the finale

This Easter began like every other: in a sugar blitz. While Christians throughout the world are celebrating the holiest day of the year, the Warners are gorging on baskets overflowing with every conceivable kind of homemade chocolate that my mother has handpicked from Mondels, the 40-year old chocolate shop on the Upper West Side. The other day my dad alerted me over IM (I was up doing homework and he was playing online backgammon with a faceless challenger of dubious skill who called himself "Stewie") that the baskets would be "unprecedented" this year. I could almost hear him salivating at the thought of the jumbo sized chocolate coconut egg that would be his for the taking a mere 48 hours later.

Still clothes-challenged by my career change, I arrived at my parents' apartment in an outfit that combined the very worst of social worker and TV producer: courdoroy pants and a pair of oversized white sunglasses that made me look like Elton John at his most addicted and sexually confused. In a scene straight out of our childhood, my sisters and I piled into the back seat of my parents recently purchased "gently used" PT Cruiser in a shade described by my dad as "opal" which in reality translates to "sparkly purple." I feel pretty safe saying this is the gayest car on earth. My mom handed me my basket and - even through the $5 glasses I could see the treasure trove that awaited me: caramels, jellybeans, chocolate and almond bars, and the requisite toothbrush which my mother always adds like a drug dealer giving you a multi-vitamin with your rock cocaine. I always imagine her saying "Go on. Slip into a diabetic coma, but before you do make sure to brush."

The drive to my Aunt Dolores' in Hollis, Queens was agonizing as usual due to my father's difficulty with exit ramps. Whenever and wherever we miss an exit (as we do repeatedly) my father blames it on the lack of "intuitiveness" in the exit's design. This always leads to a monologue about urban planning which inevitably leads to another missed exit and our regular arrival at my aunt's a solid two hours late.

Once there, we blew out on marshmallow covered starches and an assortment of other Easter type fare. My mother whipped out some homemade mint jelly for the lamb which looked vaguely like jellyfish (the jelly not the lamb) and my father got into holiday joke mode which usually involves competing with any pre-schooler at the table (in this case my 3 year old second cousin) for attention. Dessert and conversation followed and I wondered to myself if my pant button might injure anyone when it inevitably exploded off my person.

All this to say that the holiday-induced food and sugar coma - plus a nice pair of roomy sweatpants -helped control my rage problem while watching The L Word finale. Actually, I almost hate to admit that tonight's show wasn't even all that bad. Perhaps because Ziff's contribution was limited to the music? And Chaiken both scripted AND directed? Or maybe it was just my insulin levels.

Highlights!!

Helena is back! And she's got a dirty-looking fake tan, a hippie shirt, and a couple of blond streaks - inexplicably placed at the bottom of her hair - to prove that she's been "slumming it" in a Tahitian hut with Dusty, her former cellmate. Mama Peabody - bitten by a poisonous jellyfish and possibly near death - wants Helena to know that she's her sole inheritrix in the event of her untimely death. Helena has grown used to the rough and tumble life and doesn't want to be anyone's benefactor, but comes around when Peabody Sr. gasps that she could use the money to do good, not evil and buy out Dawn Denbo AND her lover Cindy. MEOW!

Helena goes to The Planet to reveal her dastardly plan to Kit who greets her in her native tongue of "Porter-gese" which is to say she shouts "Girl!" over and over again.

Adele has taken over as director of "Lez Girls" and is nothing short of evil. How do we know? Because she smokes cigarellos. Tobacco wrapped in dark brown paper = Dark Side. I kept hoping that someone would reveal Adele as the scamp we all know her to be and as part of her unmasking we'd discover that her smokes of choice are actually Mores, a cigarette preferred by Arizona housewives, hillbillies, and fans of "Flowers In the Attic" everywhere.

Alice doesn't likey Tasha's new blue-collar attitude. She craves a sister with goals and joining the LAPD ain't supposed to be one of them. Alice wants a woman who can wear a school-girl jumper and drive a scooter. A woman with an accent. A woman with a slight double-chin and a bad hairdo. Alice wants a woman who starred in a long forgotten movie starring Kate Winslet about two lunatic lesbians in an English boarding school. Alice wants a white woman.

Phyllis confronts Shane about dating her "exceptional" daughter Molly who was planning on heading off to intern at the Supreme Court until she got caught up in the McCutcheon web of delight with the cut-right-to-the-bone remark "Even your friends think you're bad news." Shane looks humbled ans raises her eyes heavenward as if to say "Dear God, it's me Shane. Am I bad news?"

With mom's blessing, Helena confronts Dawn Denbo with the earth-shattering news that she not only owns The Planet and She-Bar, but Denbo's lover Cindy! This Easter miracle is made even more tear-jerking when Cindy speaks for herself: "I'm not your lover Cindy. I'm Cindy Annabelle Tucker;" a gem closely followed by Denbo's keen observation that all the ladies - Kit, Helena, Cindy, etc. - are "skanks r us." Writing like this only comes around once in a generation, folks. I hope we're all taking notes.

Jodi is one angry deaf woman and she's out for revenge the old-fashioned way: with a bizarre mixed media installation consisting mostly of fractured images and audio clips of Bette's own words (recorded when and by whom is anyone's guess since presumably the deaf woman has no use for recording equipment). What was once just plain creepy is now modern art! Bette is humbled and humiliated and seeks refuge in Tina's arms.

But wait for it, here comes the ending! Jenny has been banned from the "Lez Girls" wrap party. Adele thanks the cast and crew and Wallace Shawn with a lock-jaw voice that must have come on with the cigarello habit. Our ladies wonder aloud how this debacle occurred and - high on life and the rescue of The Planet - Kit blurts out "It's the man that does all this shit." Not surprisingly no one responds to her outburst in much the same way that one quietly forgives the homeless man without pants occupying three seats on the subway. Suddenly Jenny arrives and takes over the mic to thank everyone for their work and loyalty. Jenny has also come to publicly announce her love for Nikki (though I was pretty sure everyone knew this already)only to discover that Nikki and Shane are totally getting it on. Confrontation ensues and Jenny is not in a forgiving mood. Finally, we learn that Adele has approved a script change and that the end of "Lez Girls" will be made "less gay" to the moral outrage of all of our ladies, including Kit who probably doesn't even remember where she is but knows enough to know she doesn't like any of this one bit!

Where to now? See you in 2009!

pic of the minute

Another random pic from the 15th St. F stop station. Looks like someone was trying to climb out; a thought I have every time I ride the train.

beware the easter candy

Jen takes a study break

For all of you who have heard me talk about the trials and tribulations of my family's hugely obese cat, Ham, I'm sad to say she was put on a diet about 6 months ago and now looks like a bone in a baggy sweater. This photo, then, is representative not of her but of me on vacation with my hand in the starburst jellybean bag.

Dean Flynn: Ranch Hand, Task Master, Porn Guy

Dear Tal, let's face it. A talent this huge doesn't come along every day.

Erin go L Word

Elizabeth Ziff in her natural habitat

Sorry about the lack of post last week. I can't remember if I was too busy or too bored to actually write something, but it was nice to see that I could roll right into last night without missing a beat. Speaking of, Ziff gave it a rest this week, so the show didn't feature any lengthy slo-mo montages set to wailing guitars. Instead, Chaiken herself took over the pen so the plot revolved around - what else?- PMS. Because as every bad female comic knows, nothing's funnier or more entertaining than "I am SO on the rag" jokes.

Almost immediately we're treated to the evil amnesiac Dawn Denbo who introduced everyone once again to "my lover Cindy" right before ripping the girls' heart out with the announcement that she is now the proud owner of The Planet (thanks to trans-Ivan's sale of his percentage). Like a true villain Dawn's parting words are meant to really twist the knife: "And I'm going to totally re-decorate!" The girls freak out, Kit snaps 'n' bends so hard it looks like she's going to hit the ground, and superheroes everywhere are quaking in their pleather boots.

I've got to hand it to Chaiken. She really used her extended vacation to do a little thinking on metaphor. The running theme of "women and their cycles" followed so nicely on the heels of last week's episode where everyone was looking ridiculous in the Bike-for-a-Cure. This week we were treated to lots and lots of everyone's favorite topic: your/her/our/my period. When in doubt, blame it on the period. She's in a bad mood? It's her period! Alice even used the period as the last word (pun intended?) in her femme-butch disagreement with Sgt. Cutie about splitting the rent on a new shared domicile: "I hope you bleed soon." I think this sums up all of our frustrations. Somebody get this show a Pamprin.


So Jenny is actually starting to get kudos from the production staff which is to say Tina (job title unknown)and the lesbian cinematographer - identified only by her bandana and lens-on-a-rope - got together in Tina's office to have some girl-chat about Jenny's "great stylistic choices." Not for long! "All About Adele" has decided to take Jenny down a peg through good old-fashioned blackmail. She's smart as a whip and cooked up a couple dozen copies of Jenny and Maxim Girl's homemade porno edited so nicely by...Wait, who is responsible for that sexy push in on the strap-on action? No matter because Jenny is caught in the net of her own undoing. With her little black hairbow and smoker's eyebags, she tries to get the cast and crew to bring down the curtain on the whole production, but only Tina and Shane stick by her side. Maxim Girl must honor her contract and remain hetero to see another day. Shane and Jenny get their flirt-on over a soda bottle bong.

Kit channels her salad days and puts on a trench coat to go "do something bad" to Denbo with her gun and her Chevy Impala. But Foxy Brown doesn't go through with it because she gets a call on her Iphone from Bette who is caught in the clutches of a deaf woman who doesn't know the meaning of no and can't find childcare. Later little Angelica nearly becomes a statistic when Foxy leaves her gun lying around. The maximum number of "Baby Girls!" allowable on cable were uttered in this one moment until the requisite knee bend stopped the flow (so to speak).

While guest hosting on "The Look," Alice meets a fashion designer (played by that Australian actress from "Heavenly Creatures) with whom she is supposed to have an instant attraction even though no two people have ever looked less interested in one another. Will she cheat on Tasha to go ride the Aussie's scooter? Stay tuned.

why we have term limits

What does George Bush do while waiting to introduce John McCain to the press corps? He gets his tap dance-on. Seriously, there's nothing else he could have done while he was standing there? For god's sake, if nothing else, pretend to look presidential. You know Osama bin Laden has a cramp in his side from laughing.

hot times in L city

Not sure I've ever told you this, but I LOVE television shows which use the proverbial heat wave as an excuse to get everybody hot, bothered and into the sack. Throw a nice amber gel over the lens and you've got yourself desert conditions, just perfect for a little roll in the toasty hay. I especially love this Hollywood device when, in the real world, it's approximately 25 degrees outside and just a few degrees warmer inside thanks to a totally negligent landlord.

I was too busy bundling myself in blankets to notice who wrote this gem of an episode, but I didn't have high hopes when it opened with a lot of folks on set of "Lez Girls" looking jaundiced from the unbelievable amount of amber gel (see above) talking about "the heat" and "will this heat wave ever stop?" while walking around doing what people on the set of movies do. In the case of the female cinematographer that means using a lot of shop talk while wearing really tiny shorts and hiking boots: "Let's get this camera on set" she shouts to her male assistant. "Have you got the 500zt?" or whatever. Blah blah. We get it. It's hot. And this woman knows her shit.

The next highlight comes with the unsinkable Kit Porter who must still be pouring hooch on her Cheerios because nothing gets by this lady without a finger snap and a knee bend. The first words out of her mouth are about fighting "some bitch in the bodega" for the last bag of ice. I've been to LA. I would have killed for a bodega. All I got was a stupid Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. But leave it to Kit to find the place that sells ice and 40's.

Later Kit and the crew meet up mafioso-style with Dawn Denbo - hands down the most laughable character on TV - to end their turf war the likes of which haven't been seen since, you know, the Bloods and the Crips. According to Dawn, she's come to realize that LA "isn't Miami" which I guess is supposed to highlight what? That the lesbians in LA aren't octogenarians? In keeping with the senile theme, Dawn reminded everyone that Cindy - the woman sitting directly to her right - is in fact her "lover." Jenny is forced to give "your lover Cindy" a bit part in her movie. Everyone takes a Cuban cigar, pushes past the female bodyguards (because Dawn Denbo = Suge Knight) and the show goes on...and on.

In case you forgot or missed the drops of sweat everywhere, it's hot. The rolling blackouts have synchronized everyone's jiggy clock and at some point all of LA is getting it on to the dulcid sounds of a song with the lyric "everything is perfect now:"

1. Bette and Tina hook it up in a stuck elevator
2. Max loses his guy-ginity to the deaf interpreter in short shorts
3. Shane gets played by her straight-girl crush who loves her for her "simplicity" and because she's "not Richard" which is ancient code by which straight people identify lesbians (as in "That girl with the mullet? She's not Richard.")
4. Though Kelly McGillis was mercifully absent from this episode, her memory lived on when Alice went down on Tasha (whose orgasm more closely resembled giving birth) when the synth-guitar music kicked in.
5. Jenny's stalker - Adele - almost tricks Niki into believing she's Jenny. Doppelganger kiss ensues.

Due to the prolonged music interlude and nudeness about town, I'm going to venture a guess and say this was a Ziff creation. Whatever it was, hot wasn't one of them and, to quote Kit "that ain't no thang."

have you seen this man?

Roger C.: Just chillin'

Just because I haven't had the heart to update I Heart Roger Clark since he decided to lose a few lbs and most of his sense of humor, doesn't meant that I don't still love the guy. Roger, you are NY1. Hell, you are New York City. What good are the five boroughs and all the lunacy that exists within them without you there to "report" on it. Come on back and we'll forget all about this little hiatus.